Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
