I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
