Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
