Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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