I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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