And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
