It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
