I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize