I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
