seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
i think i just lost a toe
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize