eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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