It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
