You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
3pm strippers are depressing
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize