I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
