Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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