Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
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