we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
