I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
