My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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