I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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