Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
How external is "for external use only"?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
