i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
