my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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