my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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