Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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