I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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