I looked at my own cervix.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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