did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
