How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
