dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
