i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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