I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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