hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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