Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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