Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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