I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
