I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
