I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
