The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
