i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
