my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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