My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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