Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
