her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
