2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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