I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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