One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
