You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
