I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize