I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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