I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
