just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
