i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize