were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
