it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
