I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize