Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
