Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
