2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
