i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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