You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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