Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Pappa wants mamma naked
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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