can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
