When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
