I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
