so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
