I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
