I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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